Lost words

I have been in a blog-writing funk for three months, seemingly unable to produce words. I tried to explain it out loud to Grant tonight and I burst into tears. I realized then that I had lots of stuff in my heart that I had not allowed myself to process. Here is an attempt to work through it with those of you who might read this.

I think I'll try it in a list:

1. I've been struggling with the idea that our lives are any more important or "blog worthy" than anyone else's. Yes, we live in a developing country and work with teenagers and raise financial support to serve God in the way we feel He has called us. But the longer we live here, the more this life is simply life, our day-to-day can be just as routine as anyone else's, at least in our own eyes. If I told you that a 16 year old boy has been living with us this winter, sharing meals, going for walks, watching movies, helping with chores, and blessing our home every second he is in it, you might think that's interesting. If you learned that he is from a remote village in Ladakh where his family members have threatened to kill him if he goes there claiming his faith in Jesus, you might think we are living on the edge and doing great things. But for us, until I wrote it out just now, he is just one of our youth spending his winter break in our house instead of his crowded family's apartment on the other side of town. There are many things I could have shared over the past few months. Some events would have sounded big and important and others rather ordinary. But honestly I've been struggling with an urge to just live this life God has called us to without spotlighting everything He does in it. (But then, He does do some beautiful, "note-worthy" things!)

I spent some time sifting through friends' blogs before I began to write tonight. I noticed that other people write about their routine lives too. One friend in Asheville writes most every day and had even posted four hours ago. So maybe I can do the same. Maybe I can continue writing about our activities as long as we can drop any assumptions that our life is any more important that yours.

2. I am missing relationships at home. I was so encouraged by my friend, Stefanie this week. She never lets me go and that is terribly meaningful to me (tears welling again). I have missed my monthly Skype date with Annie twice now I think, (due to traveling and being too busy with people in our house) and I am still hoping to set a Skype date with my other faithful-to-keep-in-touch friend, Jennifer. I am such a face-to-face girl. There are so many of you that I feel I can only catch up with on your living room couch or in a coffee shop. (I am really looking forward to some of those this summer!) But on the other hand, I can think of two quick and meaningful exchanges on Facebook in the past few weeks that warmed my heart significantly (Megan and Angie). Maybe I just need some love. :)

I miss my family. I got to talk to my sister last week for the first time in a long time and listened to her struggling with her son who had a no-diaper accident in the restaurant they were in. It was nice to feel like I was part of one of her normal days with my nephew. I miss my mom and my brother and my brother Michael too. Grant and I are grateful for occasional talks with our parents but there is something so comforting about being in their presence. Somehow I feel better sharing that with you right now.

3. We are transitioning to a new sending agency by the end of 2014. I thought I was doing ok with that, but my heart is hurting. Change can be difficult for me, especially when people are involved. I know that God will work out the details and that He will continue to provide for us. I trust that He will also ease the discomfort in my heart and help us adjust to new sources of accountability. But I realize tonight that this is a significant source of my writers block. (Feel free to pray here. :)

We need you. I think that is the echo of my heart as I finally put words to my feelings tonight. I am pretty good at staying busy, loving kids, and doing what we need to do every day. But we could not be here without your support and love. We want to be connected to those who sent us out in 2008 and to those who continue to pray for us regularly. So I am going to continue to write and share, even if I struggle with it sometimes. Thank you for allowing me to pour out these things so that you might better know what has been going on. Please pray for us. Pray for our hearts, our ministry to our youth, and our families at home. We love you and can't wait to see many of you this summer. --Charlene

Our winter houseguest, Ringchen